We tend to think of jealousy as a single emotion, but actually it is a whole bundle of feelings that tend to get lumped together. Jealousy can manifest as anger, fear, hurt, betrayal, anxiety, agitation, sadness, paranoia, depression, loneliness, envy, coveting, feeling powerless, feeling inadequate, feeling excluded. It often helps to identify what is the exact mix of feelings you experience when you feel jealous.
What is the primary emotion you feel when you are jealous?
Demystifying the exact components of your jealousy can be a giant step towards getting a grip on things and resolving the problem.
Is it always the same for you or does the mix change from time to time depending on circumstances?
For instance, one woman figured out that her jealousy was about 50% fear, 20% anger, 20% feeling powerless and 10% feeling betrayed. However, when she asked her partner for reassurance and affection, and he provided it, the anger and betrayal disappeared. Then her jealousy was much more manageable, because most of what was left was fear and she could express those feelings more easily to her partner and resolve them.
JEALOUSY IS ABOUT FEAR
It is crucial to understand what jealousy is and what it is about. Jealousy is about fear--fear of the unknown and of change, fear of losing power or control in a relationship, fear of scarcity and of loss, and fear of abandonment. It is a reflection of our own insecurity about our worthiness, anxiety about being adequate as a lover, and doubts about our desirability.For every jealous feeling there is an emotion behind the jealousy that is much more significant than the jealousy itself.
Behind jealousy there is an unmet need or a deep fear that our needs will not be met. Recognizing those fears and unmet needs is the key to unmasking jealousy and taking away its power. Jealousy is just the finger pointing at the fears and needs we are afraid to face. When jealousy kicks in, it is the ancient reptilian part of our brain going into a "fight or flight" response because we feel that our very survival is threatened.
When you feel jealous, ask yourself,
"What is it that I am really afraid of?
"What do I need to make this situation safe for me?" "What is the worst thing that could happen and how likely is that to happen?"
Jealousy is about losing a value to someone else (the context for jealousy is always social). It is a painful feeling regarding a value one has and is afraid of losing - or something a person has difficulty having, but see another enjoying.
Envy is about something one does not have, does not believe he can have,and yet see another person having and enjoying.
Jealousy, like other emotions, serves human survival. It is a negative emotion alerting a person in a painful way that his values are slipping away or that he is missing something crucial to him. 
To illustrate: a child who feels unloved when his parents take away attention from him onto a new little brother, becomes jealous and upset. This shows in his behavior and alerts his parents that he needs more attention. Jealousy here serves to show that some value is in danger (in this case, it's the parent's affection).
While this is the normal function of jealousy (to protect life), it can arise as a result of some psychological problem or wrong standard of judging oneself.
By itself, jealousy is not related to self esteem. In other words the mere emotion of jealousy is not an indication of lack of self esteem. It depends what the subject of the jealousy is.
In some cases jealousy (or envy) is directed at another person's being, when the desired value in danger is one's own worth.
Examples: Being jealous of someone because you consider them a better person morally, professionally, aesthetically, more popular, etc'.
To illustrate: suppose the person you're romantically interested in dates someone else - there are two types of jealousy possible here: One is being jealous for the woman - wanting the woman and being jealous that someone else has her. The other option is being jealous of the personality of the man who has her and seeing it as reproach for your personality not being good enough. The last type is much more severe and threatening.
What makes some people satisfied with what they have, while others are jealous of someone's success?
It all starts with how a person learns to judge himself. Each person has some idea of his own worth in his eyes. Each person has a standard, or a set of ideas with which he judges himself.
Jealousy of the type associated to other people's success always involves an irrational standard for judging one's worth, and this can largely be based on how he was educated as a child - how his achievements and failures were treated by people the child looks up to for approval.
Consider the parents who make clear to their child, that to be loved and appreciated, he needs to get the best grades in the class, regardless of his actual ability. This places all the weight of his self worth on the actual concrete - the good grade - and not on his performance.
If he did his best, and got an average grade - he is not worthy of a prize, but worthy of contempt or indifference. This kind of education makes self-esteem impossible. And worse, it places one's self esteem on a value that does not naturally arise from one's desires and interests. This child is taught that repression, self-beating and hard, joyless work are his main tools to become a worthy person. The feeling is of having something bigger than oneself, something from above, like a severe judge, that the person has to live up to to be worthy. "One day I will be happy, when I am thin". "One day, I'll be happy, when I am rich". And guess what? When they finally do get thin or rich, they are not happy. Because it has no personal value to them, it is a value gained only to "please the judge".
Situations where you may experience feelings of jealousy
You may get jealous in any of the following situations:- when someone flirts with your girl
- when someone achieves something that you have always wanted to achieve but didn't manage yet
- when someone you hate succeeds
- when someone manages to get something and you think that he doesn't deserve it
The steps to permanently end jealous reactions are:
1) Recovering personal power so that you can get control of your emotions and refrain from the reactive behavior.
2) Shift your point of view so that you can step back from the story in your mind. This will give you a gap of time in which to refrain from a jealous or angry reaction and do something else.
3) Identify the core beliefs that trigger the emotional reaction.
4) Become aware that the beliefs in your mind are not true. This is different than “knowing” intellectually that the stories are not true.
5) Develop control over your attention so you can consciously choose what story plays in your mind and what emotions you feel.
A big part of the problem lies within you and not with the person you are jealous of. The following are possible root causes for jealousy:
1:Lack of self confidence: The main cause for feelings of jealousy are your doubts about your abilities or skills. If you were one hundred percent sure of yourself you would have never suffered from any jealousy feelings
2: Poor self image : Having a poor self image is another cause of jealousy. If you believe that you look ugly or that you are not that handsome then chances are you'll be experiencing feeling of jealousy whenever you meet someone who looks better than you
3: Fear : One of the root causes behind jealousy is being afraid. This fear can be a fear of ending up alone, a fear of being rejected or a fear of losing the love of your partner.
4: Insecurity: Feelings of insecurity are the result of the two previously mentioned causes. A poor self image and lack of self confidence can result in making you Feel insecure about a relationship and this can be a strong reason that can make you jealous.
5 Fear of losing loved one
Loving someone and being loved in return is such a heartwarming experience that perhaps nobody would be willing to lose or give it up easily. If the stability of the relationship is threatened in any way, jealous responses may arise. This is often propelled by the fear of losing the person that one cares for the most.
6 Lack of trust
Jealousy is basically an issue of trust. A loving relationship that is built on trust and openness is less likely to suffer from issues of jealousy, compared to a relationship in which the partners keep things from each other. However, lack of trust does not only result from infidelity and other behaviors that warrant doubt and suspicion. Sometimes, even though the other person is perfectly faithful, there are individuals who find it hard to give their trust completely
7 Unwillingness to share attention
It feels good to be the apple of someone's eye. If there are signs that somebody else is commanding a beloved's attention - whether this is real or just imagined - anger and jealousy will ultimately arise.
8 Desire to control loved one
Love is generally a positive feeling but it can sometimes evolve into unhealthy responses if approached in a wrong way. In certain cases, there is a need to always have one's way in the relationship. Jealousy may be used as a means to control and make a partner conform to the individual's wants.
Excessive feelings of jealousy may often interfere with a person's rational thinking. This compels some individuals to do things that could actually drive away the partner that they are desperately trying to keep. Although experts agree that this emotion is a natural survival mechanism that aims to preserve a relationship, jealousy is in fact a very destructive feeling. The only chance that this emotion may serve a constructive purpose is if the person suffering from it would recognize this as a sign to look within the self and work on their negative feelings
How the mind creates the emotions of jealousy and anger
If you are seeking to overcome jealousy it is likely that you already know the dynamics that I describe. This description may help fill in some gaps of how the mind twists knowledge into self judgment and reinforces low self esteem and insecurity. This intellectual understanding can help develop awareness to see these dynamics in the moment you are doing them. But to really make effective changes you will need a different skill set. Knowing how you create your emotional reactions doesn't give you enough information about how to change them. Just like knowing you got a flat tire because you ran over a nail doesn't mean you know how to patch the tire.
It starts with a man feeling insecure about himself. Insecurity comes from his False Hidden Image of being “not good enough”. With the belief that this false image is him, rather than an image in his mind, the man creates self rejection in his mind. The emotional result of self rejection is a feeling of unworthiness, insecurity, fear, and unhappiness
Dealing with jealousy
The root causes behind jealousy, is that people become jealous of each other when they have self doubts and when they believe that they are competing with the person they are jealous of.Jealousy is not the root of the tree but it's only the branch, once you cut the roots the branches won't grow again.
1: Build your self-confidence: Building your self confidence, knowing about your points of strength and knowing for certain that you are worthy can be enough to eliminate any feelings of jealousy. After all feelings of insecurity which stem from lack of self confidence cause these pangs of jealousy.
2: Fix your mental and physical self image : Contrary to common beliefs, it is possible to fix your mental self image and to change the idea you have about your looks. Fixing your mental self image will have a great impact on your self confidence and will certainly reduce those feelings of jealousy. Your physical self image plays an important role too so make sure you fix both your mental and physical self image
3: Deal with your feelings of insecurity:If you experience jealousy in relationships then building your self-confidence and fixing your self-image are bound to remove any feelings of insecurity you might be feeling. If you feel jealous of your colleagues at work then you might want to know how to get rid of those feelings of insecurity and so reduce the feelings of jealousy.
4: Conquer your fears: Whatever the kind of fear you're experiencing, dealing with your fears will help you a lot in your journey for getting over jealousy; whether it's a fear of abandonment or fear of rejection; dealing with your fears is one basic step that helps in dealing with jealousy
5: Do some external changes: Even tough Jealousy comes from within sometimes you need to fix the external world along with fixing your inner-self. If, for example, you're jealous of someone who managed to achieve something before you did then try to find out why he accomplished that thing and why you didn't then fix your mistakes.
6: Assertiveness will help you on your way: Being assertive is the habit of communicating your feelings without being aggressive nor allowing your rights to be violated. Learning how to be assertive will certainly help you reduce jealousy because it will enable you to stand up for your rights whenever needed
7: Control your anger: One direct result of jealousy is anger. Anger won't only make you feel bad and frustrated but it will also destroy your relations with others. On your journey to deal with jealousy make sure you know how to control and manage your anger to avoid unwanted consequences.
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