Householders should not forget even for a moment that marriage is a sacred thing. The sanctity of married life has to be realised in all its fullness and in all its seriousness. Marriage is a sacrament. It is not just the union of two bodies. That is the least important part of it. The husband and the wife should not think there is absolutely no love above their physical life. There is a love.Marriage is the bringing together by God (through some mysterious law which operates in this universe) of two souls in this vast, vast phenomenon called life in this vast stream of existencewhere countless millions of souls are moving in their individual planes of spiritual evolution towards the Divine. Through the Grace of God, through the Divine Will, and through the operation of certain laws that govern this universal life, two souls are brought together. That is the meaning of marriage. Through the coming together of these two souls, God means an important process to be worked out and that is the sharing of the spiritual impulse between the two. What they have earned, what they have learned, and their spiritual potential—the husband and the wife are to share. Thehusband is to enrich the spiritual life of the wife and the wife is to enrich the spiritual life of the husband and both are to go hand-in-hand toward the Supreme Attainment of the Divine Consciousness. That is the true, inner meaning of family life. Marriage is sacred.It is not to be treated lightly. It is not to be considered in a vulgar sense. Marriage is an alliance which is for something more than mere physical enjoyment, for something more than even the all-important purpose of the propagation of the race (though, to a limited extent, this is also a purpose of marriage). The offsprings of the husband and the wife are also to be spiritual beings, because they are other souls coming into this earth-plane to work out their own evolution. It is therefore, the sacred duty of the husband and the wife to provide an ideal home and the proper initial impulse to these souls that come as their children. The children are to be held in trusteeship for a while until they grow up and go out into the world. The growth and development of the children will be in accordance with their own spiritual nature, with their own spiritual evolution, with their own Karma which they have brought with them; yet, the mother and the father can give a great deal from their own lives to the initial spiritual unfoldment of their children until the children attain a stage when they can themselves mind their further spiritual evolution. If healthy spiritual ideas are implanted in the young minds from the early age, they are bound to sprout forth at a later stage and bring blessedness to the children
Hindu religious philosophy views marriage like a triangle where God is at the apex and the husband and wife are at the other two corners that form the base of the triangle. As long as the couple is at the base, there is great separation between them. However, when they begin moving towards God together, the distance between them decreases. The distance between then decreases to zero when they reach God and unite in Him forever in joy. If any one of its wings is inferior, weak or damaged, the bird will fail to fly. “With God as guide, let us take, the first step to nourish each other, the second step to grow together in strength, the third step to preserve our wealth, the fourth step to share our joys and sorrows, the fifth step to care for our children, the sixth step to be together forever, and the seventh step to remain lifelong friends, perfect halves to make a perfect whole.”
The words “perfect halves to make perfect hole” is the final word of Hinduism on the relationship between husband and wife. Thus Hinduism provides same religious rights and privileges to women as it does to men. Neither is woman superior to man, nor is man superior to woman. Both are “perfect halves to make perfect hole.”
In conclusion, woman has the same religious and spiritual freedom in Hinduism as man. Like a man, she is the soul in bondage and the goal of her life is the same as that of man, spiritual perfection or moksha through selfless work, meditation and yoga. Hindus have elevated women to the level of divinity
“Unite, O Lord, this couple like a pair of lovebirds. May they be surrounded by children living both long and happy ” Atharva Veda Samhita 14.2.64
“Let there be faithfulness to each other until death. This may be considered as the summary of the highest law for husband and wife.” Manu Smriti 9.101
“May our prayers and worship be alike, and may our devotional offerings be one and the same.” Rig Veda Samhita 10.191.3
What the above scriptures tell us is this: The marriage in Hindu religion is a life-long partnership between two lovebirds, called husband and wife. The highest religion for these lovebirds is to be faithful to each other. Neither is the husband god, nor is the wife goddess. Both are the soul in bondage and their prayers and worship should be alike for their spiritual freedom, moksha.
Here is what Mahatma Gandhi tells us about women in general and husband-wife relationship in particular:
“To call women the weaker sex is libel; it is man’s injustice to women.” Mahatma Gandhi
“The wife is not the husband’s bond-slave but his companion and his help-mate and an equal partner in all his joys and sorrows---as free as the husband to choose her own path.” Mahatma Gandhi
Baba Hari Dass, a well-known modern living saint reminds us that:
“Wife and Husband are like two equal halves of a soybean. One half-alone will not grow. If two parts are separated and planted in the earth, still they will not grow. The bean will grow only when both parts are covered by one skin, which makes them one.”
If we study the ancient history, we find that women held top religious and social positions in the Vedic period. There are references to women sages and saints in Vedas and Upanishads who were greatly revered for their religious and spiritual wisdom. During and following the epic period, the caste system (an ancient social philosophy) became rigid, which caused conflict within the society. The women often became the victims of this internal social conflict as well as the violence caused by the foreign invaders.
The greatness of Hinduism is that it teaches us to cling to wisdom and not to dogma. This is why the above verse says that we must avoid even the lawful acts (i.e., even scriptures) if they cause pain or are offensive.
We know that Bhagvan Krishna narrated entire Bhagavad Gita to provide Hinduism’s highest spiritual knowledge to Arjuna. But in the end, Krishna advises Arjuna to use his (Aarjuna’s) own wisdom and conscience to make his decision.
“I have given you the words of vision and wisdom more secret than hidden mysteries. Ponder over them in the silence of thy soul, and then in freedom do thy will.” BG 18.63
“In freedom do thy will” is what Hindu religious thought is all about. We must always discriminate between what is right and what is wrong, and not follow the rules blindly. The beauty of Hinduism is that it encourages the freedom of thought that no other religion in the world even comes close to. .
Marriage and married life, in fact, are another way to attain God-realization, although many are not aware of it. For the attainment of this goal, both the husband and the wife need a certain amount of understanding about leading a married life coupled with spirituality. Patience, love and forgiveness are the three qualities that are needed to maintain a good relationship. In most cases, neither the husband nor the wife will have these qualities. Such relationships will always end up in a tragedy. Doubting each other’s love, they will always quarrel. A silly, insignificant incident or sometimes even a single word is enough to make them lose their mental balance. They will always blame each other, but never try to find a solution for the misunderstandings and conflicts. As a result, they suffer and also cause their children to suffer.
A true relationship
“A true relationship can be developed only if there is proper understanding between a husband and wife, between friends, or whoever is involved in a relationship of any kind. There are different passages in life. Marriage is one such passage, and it is one of the most important ones there is. For a person who lives in the world (i.e. a householder), to be able to live a full, productive life, he or she must pass through the passage of marriage with as much love, intimacy, caring and commitment as possible. Married life, if it is lived with the proper love and understanding, will help awaken the feminine within a man, and the masculine within a woman. This balance can eventually help both of them reach the final goal of eternal freedom.”
“A true relationship is possible only when one is able to let go of all one’s preconceived ideas and prejudices, and when one stops being possessed by the past. Your mind is the past. Stop clinging to the past and you will be free and peaceful. To cling to the past is like living in the dark. We all want to be in the light. Stop fighting the past, stop reacting to it, and you will be in the light. You will then clearly be able to see everything that is happening within you. With such a clear vision it is possible to form a true relationship. … In such deep love, even your thought patterns will be the same. For example, a husband may think of something without saying a word about it. Yet somehow his wife is aware of it. He thinks of something and his wife says the same thing, or he wishes to do something and his wife suddenly expresses the same wish. …If this can happen in a normal relationship, the identification or sense of oneness that happens in the Guru sishya (disciple) relationship is incomparably greater.”
There is a serious lack of understanding between the husband and wife. In most cases the couple won’t even make an attempt to understand each other. For the development of a true relationship to take place, a basic understanding of human nature, the nature of men and women, is essential. Men are mostly intellectually centred, while women tend to be more emotional. They dwell in two different centers, along two parallel lines. No real meeting takes place within them.
How, then, can there be any love between the two?
Their different natures should be understood and accepted, and each one, both husband and wife, should make a conscious effort to reach out to the other’s feelings, to the heart, and then work out their problems with this understanding as their foundation. They shouldn’t try to control each other. They shouldn’t say to each other, “I say yes, and therefore you should also say yes.” For the development of a true relationship to take place, a basic understanding of human nature, the nature of men and women, is essential. Men are mostly intellectually centred, while women tend to be more emotional. They dwell in two different centers, along two parallel lines. No real meeting takes place within them.
Listen with love and concern
“It is very rare to find a truly loving relationship. The love between a married couple is usually only skin deep. If one of them says “yes,” the other will make it a point to say “no.” Children, learn to respect each other’s feelings. Learn to listen to each other’s problems with love and concern. When you listen to your partner, he or she should be able to feel that you are genuinely interested and that you would sincerely like to help. Your partner should feel your care and concern, your respect and admiration. An open acceptance of the other is needed, and there should be no reservations.”Don’t mention your partner’s weaknesses in front of others
“Children, as ordinary human beings, everyone has both good and bad qualities. Always recognise and admire the good qualities in each other. Whenever you are talking to others about your partner, try to highlight his or her good qualities; don’t ever mention the weaknesses in front of others. Whatever your weaknesses may be, they should remain a secret between the two of you. You should work out your problems together with a positive attitude, without provoking or hurting each other with accusations.
First of all, we should become aware of our own weaknesses, because this is the best way to remove them. Never use your partner’s faults as a weapon against him or her. When you are pointing out a weakness, do so lovingly and with every intention of eradicating it in a positive way from your lives. These weaknesses are blocks that prevent you from expressing yourselves fully. See these blocks as obstructions and learn to remove them.”
Do not make the wife suffer unnecessarily. If their characters are not good, do not dissipate your energy worrying about them. Worrying is not a solution for any problem; it will only make things worse. Discriminative thinking is the only way to overcome life’s problems. When we worry, our power of discrimination becomes weak, and then even insignificant problems seem overwhelming. We should pray for God to give our family right thinking, and we should consider their association with us as the fruit of our past actions. We will not be miserable if we spend our time in Godly pursuits instead of worrying about our wife.
Is it possible for us to guide them along the right path?
We do not have the power to hear sounds which are beyond a certain range. We also do not have the power to see beyond a certain distance. We are bound by limitations.
What can we do?
“Take care of everything, O Omnipotent One. I have no power to do anything. I have nothing to say. O Lord, kindly protect us.” That is how we should pray. Otherwise, one will only be wasting one’s time. They, as well as ourselves, will be ruined. In due course, owing to our prayers, God will guide them through the right path. If the husband is the one who is creating the problems, then the wife should have the aforesaid attitude. In many families only one partner, the husband or the wife, will be good.
1. Tell your spouse “I love you” each and every single day.
2. Always say please and thank you.
3. Never demand anything one of another, but ask kindly with respect – like you would from anyone else out side the home.
4. Husbands, you don’t own your wife, so don’t act like it. Don’t be bossy and overbearing and order them around like a slave. Support them as the physically weaker vessel and love them and give yourself for them.
5. Wives don’t nag your husbands. If they have been too busy to get something done that is important to you, and you have already asked them a number of times, try asking them after you have done something nice for them.
6. Husband, thank your wife for each meal, when laundry is done and for how well your clothes have been folded, and when the home is cleaned and what a clean house she keeps. Wives, when you husband fixes something around the home thank him, and when he brings home his check tell him what a good provider he is.
7. Each day ask the other if there is anything you can do for them.
8. You both need to be patient with each other’s weaknesses and faults. You should not make a practice of pointing out eachothers faults over and over. Remember that love will cover a multitude of faults. Deal with the other’s faults the way you want them to deal with yours.
9. Have family devotions together each morning – even if it is only 5 or 10 minutes.
10 Never discuss each others past faults and mistakes in front of other people. While your spouse may laugh along with you and not say anything about it later, you may have hurt them deep down.
11.Keep a list of the things your spouse asks you to do on the cork board. When you spouse asks you to do something make sure you put it on your list and put a date beside it so you know how long it has been there. Cross off the items on the list as you do them. It is okay to offer to do something on your list if your spouse will do something on their list.
12. Don’t allow a disagreement to escalate into an argument and certainly not in public or in front of your children.
However, the status of women in Hindu society has also been affected by factors other than the ideals set forth in the Vedas and Upanishads, such as cultural mores and the exploitation of the biological and psychological differences between men and women. Therefore, on an individual and social level, complete and total equality of women is a goal that Hindu society (and other societies) is still striving for.
As Swami Vivekananda says, we must realize that man and woman are two wings of the same bird; that in order to truly soar to great heights, a man and woman must work in unison in order to achieve greater harmony in life.
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